eek
so am seeing the boy tonite - first time since The Split. V scared. Obviously have made all the necessary arrangements - fake tan, half-starved myself (this bit was easy seeing as I've had a permanent stomach ache since we finished!), new jewelry, french polish (he
once said he liked it...) clothes, make-up and perfume sorted...just have to actually get there now. ...
Have been enjoying not seeing him and not talking about "us" but am quite worried that after I'm done tonite I'll be left feeling sad and back to how I was 3 weeks ago - wandering around the apartment unable to stop crying and feeling hugely empty....
But everyone keeps telling me I
have to see him and we
have to talk blah blah etc Personally I like the way my head looks when it is buried in sand.....
its official - i'm old
have just had it confirmed by a train guard at Colchester station:
guard: you look cold
me: that's cos its freezing!
guard: blimey - what are you going to do when the snow comes?
me: hibernate I reckon!
guard: you want to get your husband to cuddle you
me: !$£%*^&
so...whereas men used to ask if I had a boyfriend (when I was young like a month ago in Canada), now they just assume I have a husband.
maybe its the 3 hours sleep I had last night (head thinking of all the things I would like the boy to say to me on my return and which he would never, ever say)
or maybe its the deep crevices that have appeared on my face recently, the dry chapped hands, the droopy eyes from being so wrinkly....
ok ok. I'm being self-indulgent now!
still...have to be thankful for small mercies - the carpet in first class is nicer to sit on than in pleb class....(yes I'm on a train going to London in
third class again...)...actually it almost looks clean!
Plan, Stan?
ug. on yet another plane, this time back to UK. Just finished watching "Trust the man"
Think it was meant to be a sarcastic title since the 2 men in it are anything but trustworthy. one of them has an affair and the other can't commit, sound familiar? I wonder how many films have this theme? art imitating life?
I just don't get it. Will someone tell me the plan please? If men were born to screw around as A says and run away from commitment then what are our roles in life meant to be? Are we meant to live apart in male and female communes and just shag for babies, cos quite frankly that would suit me down to the ground. I miss my old flatmate soo much. We were always there for each other, saying nice words when brown stuff was flying off the various fans in life: job stress, men stress, illnesses, ntl(!) we knew everything about each other. Is it just plain unrealistic to want that with a man?
So many of my male friends have had to have some sort of crisis to make them "grow up" or "recognise what they truely wanted" (sounds like tripe to me!) . If it comes that unnaturally to them then maybe we should just let them get on with it and do their own thing and we do ours.
maybe I should set up a female commune....anyone in?
