The Talk
Oh joy. Had The Talk with the boy. The dreaded moment - fight or flight. After all the planning it didn't happen quite as planned. First we were cuddling on the sofa and second he didn't say what I expected him to say. He said the magic figure (I had 3 years in my head - thinking that would be the amount of time it would take to find someone new (times by however many meetings it takes to find a nice one), get engaged, plan a wedding, and have babies) - and he said 3 years! (was hoping the figure might reduce if I had been with someone already for a year but am happy with that...). V happy - was thinking I might have to say goodbye to the bloke after the weekend but actually is all fine :-) Obviously it still depends on "whether we still like each other when (he) has to choose his degree college" and other practical decisions such as this but I think this is quite a positive outcome). phew
wow
have just had the most amazing weekend. Boy came over to see me for Easter. Meant to have Easter in Boston with boy but work decided I was to stay in London this week (no comments needed about who owns my life please). Anyway boy came over and not this time to London (oh no - 2 randoms have my flat so therefore I live with my parents!). But the parents were away (yay!) so we had to house to ourselves. We went for walks in the country, walks around Cambridge (me secretly hoping he would like to PhD here!), walks around my home town (lots of Roman stuff - v old by the boys standards!). It was romantic, we got on well, and I felt great in his company. We were almost like a newly married couple - even the bedroom department was good (v pleased by that!).
Now have slightly modified plan. V scary. It involves a new step of finding out boy's timescale before I dump him. Come to the conclusion that actually I don't really want to dump him but if I have to I will.....
Plan?
hmmm...still bothered by the 5-year plan, friends worried about me being different thing. Had a long chat to M (me mostly talking she mostly listening) and feeling a bit better. Still trying to figure out if you're meant to hang around for Mr Right and babies or if you have to help it along in some way. Have friends who have done both. Hanging around certainly works if you're young and have time but I have neither youth nor time (depending on what medical journals you read and which department your friends in the NHS work in...).
Anyway have come up with a vague plan. Think it is going to mean the end of the boy tho. Bit sad about that but have to be realistic about it. Plan goes along the lines of:
1) dump boy
2) get on internet
3) date
4) marriage to American Catholic who wants to live in UK (preferably very financially self-sufficient and gorgeous)
5) leave current company and move to UK
6) have UK babies and be a stay-at-home mum for a few years.
Only problem is the boy. Don't really want to get rid of him but is at completely different stage in life to me. The degree is over next year but is then 5 years of PhD to go! (and of course he wants to stay in US for that).
Also bit worried that I will lose other US mates that are his mates when the dumping happens...
where am I?
S says she thinks I've changed. That I sound unsettled. Well der - I spend some of my time in NY and some over here living out of a suitcase and a few drawers my parents can spare, commuting over an hour to work while 2 young girls are getting the benefit of my London flat with new kitchen and great decor and not even covering my mortgage! Of course I'm unsettled!
Had a bit of a rough weekend actually. Coming back to blightly is always hard what with the mountains of friends, family and work people I have to see. Its worse this time around when work have pimped me out pretty much every day to one client or another and all my friends are even more dispersed cos they're building nests all over the south-east. Hen nights, marriages and pregnancies. Scans, baby names and duties - its all getting to me. I feel like I'm really old and going no-where when I come back. Like everything has moved on and I haven't - still in limbo, still go no clue where I'm headed or what my 5-year plan is (apparently I'm meant to have one of those....). J accused me of being boring (given up alcohol for lent) and that probably had something to do with it but in reality I'm just not myself at the moment...maybe I just need time to settle back in...
traveling 3rd class
What's happened to England since I left? I'm here again, on the
floor of a train trying to finish some work for a client I'm with all day today. Meanwhile there are THREE, yes count them, 3 first class carriages of poncy men snoring their heads off (obviously 1 person per set of 4 chairs cos normal people don't sit in first class). And this isn't a one off. Of the 4 times I've traveled to London 3 times I've been sat on the floor freezing my arse off. You know things are bad when you're actually scrabbling for floor space with other passengers! Talk about 3rd class - next time I'm going to bring some chickens and donkeys - help it seem more real (they might be warm too). I asked the conductor for a discount for 3rd class and he just told me there are 70 people standing on this train! How outrageous is that? That's a whole carriage worth of people! And the worst thing is that those who sit about giving orders all day are the ones who have seats while the real workers (who have too much work they have to do it half the night and on the train in the morning) are the ones who have to sit on the floor (ruin their nice coats that they can't afford to keep mending).
I feel like I'm caught in Max Weber's self-fulfilling prophecy....
tick...
aggghhhhhh. All my friends are getting pregnant! How did that happen? One minute we were a huge group clubbing every weekend and doing things we shouldn't; snogging each other and having much merriment and now they're all up the duff! And the few who aren't pregnant are shacking up with each other or worse - getting married! Does that mean I should be doing it? Or do I think I feel I should because they all are and I want to fit in?
