eek
so am seeing the boy tonite - first time since The Split. V scared. Obviously have made all the necessary arrangements - fake tan, half-starved myself (this bit was easy seeing as I've had a permanent stomach ache since we finished!), new jewelry, french polish (he
once said he liked it...) clothes, make-up and perfume sorted...just have to actually get there now. ...
Have been enjoying not seeing him and not talking about "us" but am quite worried that after I'm done tonite I'll be left feeling sad and back to how I was 3 weeks ago - wandering around the apartment unable to stop crying and feeling hugely empty....
But everyone keeps telling me I
have to see him and we
have to talk blah blah etc Personally I like the way my head looks when it is buried in sand.....
its official - i'm old
have just had it confirmed by a train guard at Colchester station:
guard: you look cold
me: that's cos its freezing!
guard: blimey - what are you going to do when the snow comes?
me: hibernate I reckon!
guard: you want to get your husband to cuddle you
me: !$£%*^&
so...whereas men used to ask if I had a boyfriend (when I was young like a month ago in Canada), now they just assume I have a husband.
maybe its the 3 hours sleep I had last night (head thinking of all the things I would like the boy to say to me on my return and which he would never, ever say)
or maybe its the deep crevices that have appeared on my face recently, the dry chapped hands, the droopy eyes from being so wrinkly....
ok ok. I'm being self-indulgent now!
still...have to be thankful for small mercies - the carpet in first class is nicer to sit on than in pleb class....(yes I'm on a train going to London in
third class again...)...actually it almost looks clean!
Plan, Stan?
ug. on yet another plane, this time back to UK. Just finished watching "Trust the man"
Think it was meant to be a sarcastic title since the 2 men in it are anything but trustworthy. one of them has an affair and the other can't commit, sound familiar? I wonder how many films have this theme? art imitating life?
I just don't get it. Will someone tell me the plan please? If men were born to screw around as A says and run away from commitment then what are our roles in life meant to be? Are we meant to live apart in male and female communes and just shag for babies, cos quite frankly that would suit me down to the ground. I miss my old flatmate soo much. We were always there for each other, saying nice words when brown stuff was flying off the various fans in life: job stress, men stress, illnesses, ntl(!) we knew everything about each other. Is it just plain unrealistic to want that with a man?
So many of my male friends have had to have some sort of crisis to make them "grow up" or "recognise what they truely wanted" (sounds like tripe to me!) . If it comes that unnaturally to them then maybe we should just let them get on with it and do their own thing and we do ours.
maybe I should set up a female commune....anyone in?
no more boy
Well that's torn it. Have really done it now. Dumped the boy :-(
He just sat there and took it. I told him I wanted to be a proper couple who talked about an "us" and not 2 "I'"s and he never said anything. Never said my interpretations of his intentions were wrong or that actually he did love me. nothing.
Now here I am off to California tomorrow and can't stop bawling my eyes out. Not Good. Client will not appreciate a sobbing wreck training them all week. Must get it together and stop having stupid female thoughts like: am I un-lovable? will I ever be able to find someone who can stand to be with me long enough to be a proper couple? how will I cope without him?
hate feeling like this and know it will take a bloody long time to start feeling better. bloody hindsight...
Houston, Phoenix, Caifornia, London, New York
ahhh yes - sounds great, doesn't it? During a 6 week period I will have been in 5 different time zones and 2 different countries. Ah the glamour, the food, the importance of my position...
(all a complete load of twaddle of course - the glamour consists of red-eye flights and thrombosis-threat, the food is airline cardboard pizza and the importance is about as much as your average lackey gets!...)
can't even say it enhances my outlook on the world (one office interior is pretty much like the next...)
oh well....onto the next time zone I guess!
Gutted
Am gutted - after weeks of getting excited about what costume to wear for Halloween (gay friends mean costumes are interesting - cowgirls, French maids and tuxedos are the most recent suggestions), work has decided rather than hang out and enjoy the frivolity of this fun holiday, I have to be on the other side on the country in California :-( am gutted - I love an excuse for a party and not sure me turning up to our clients in a French maid's outfit would go down well!!
arse
or arse over tit more like! What an idiot
feeling really stupid....had very good intentions this morning when I set off to the gym to do an hour step aerobics class and then an hour of total body conditioning (not as good as body pump in the UK unfortunately but the next best thing over here...)
Step class was a little complicated (the way I like it!) utilising 2 steps per person...However...towards the end of the class I fell off the step catching my ankle on the way down and falling v awkwardly. Felt like a right div at the time as I couldn't immediately get back on it so had to sit on the floor like a wally. After a while the feeling came back so I carried on, finished the class and started to get ready for body pump....then it started hurting...then it got a bit worse and then I couldn't even stand on it so I left the studio and hopped my way to reception hoping they would strap it for me!
oh no....that would be too easy for them - they decided to call the ambulance instead!!! doh. They then took me to hospital (on a stretcher with everyone looking at me - how embarrassing). so 3 hours later I have a bandage, crutches and am late for brunch...oh how my mates are going to take the piss!!!
to prove how dangerous getting fit is though - at the hospital there was me in my gym gear with a sprained ankle, a runner with a sprained ankle and a cyclist in full black lycra cycling gear with a sprained ankle - like I told my doorman on the way back into the building from my trip to the gym (on crutches, still in gym gear) "don't go to the gym - its a really dangerous place!!"
